Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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