If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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