The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
