I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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