I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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