i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
