My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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