Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you had me at cake vodka
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
