Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
