At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
