He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize