just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
