I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize