stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Terrible idea I love it
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
