I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
