why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
