I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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