Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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