I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
