Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
