You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
