Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
