your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
