NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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