I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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