i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
