We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
