Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
