someone threw a dead crab at me
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
