You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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