i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
