he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
