Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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