Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i was born a porn star she said
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
