I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
