I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
