I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
