I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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