We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
