also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
