god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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