we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
