A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
