She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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