ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize