ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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