Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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