Old men and throwing up are my life now.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
