Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
