Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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