I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
