Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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