so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
