Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
