I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Randomize
