ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Are we still banned from the library?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
